I don't know how to start this properly, the only thing I want you readers (if I have any) to know is that this post is about pride and letting go. Giving up the thing that once made you happy, and now hurting you.
I had this friend. We knew each other since my first year in college. At the short time given to us, we've been good friends, almost bestfriends. She's the first friend I consider in my college life. We've always been together when we're at the school that people say we almost look alike (that I don't agree to because I know she's pretty and I'm not).
Until everything changed, and I know that change from someone you just knew is not a surprise. But no big deal, because we stayed friends, though we don't hang out as often as we used to. Since then I didn't know to whom I'll gonna go with cause I need friends. I'm not the study-girl type that will do anything (or everything) for the sake of schooling. I'm lazy, just entering the school-gate makes me sick that I want to vomit and go home instead. Good thing I found new friends that are making my college life fun and take me away from boredom that school brings. With the stress that the schoolworks are giving me, I need friends that make me hold on to studying.
So we stayed friends, I have our friends and she has her love. We learned to live our lives with our own. No problem, I think.
But me, being this immature slut, and she being the pride drama queen, our friendship was once been tested. We, like kids, had problem that has been resolved when I decided to stop the childish part of me. So no problem again, I think.
But now, we have this another problem, and the wound we made is more severe. This is not like the first one that was just because of me being immature. It's now because of me, being hurt, reacting too much and my pride; she not understanding my emotions and her pride again, there's no other way for this problem to be resolve than to end this friendship.
Of course, this is not that easy for me to let go of the one I considered as one of my bestfriends, and I love my friends so much. But I still have my pride, and I'm tired of understanding. If we didn't do this, we'll just gonna hurt each other more when we act as friends with the fact that there's something wrong between us. I wanna hear her side, I wanna know why we've come to this, I wanna know what she feels. But she chose to say nothing to me and said a lot of bad things about me that I don't have any idea of. Of course, being hurt and pissed, I did the same. The more she say stuffs about me, the more stuffs I say about her. No one wants to lose. But one day, my true friends made me realize that I just look stupid by the things I'm doing. So I stopped.
Thinking that she stopped to, I lived my life normally. But it's hard to go to school when you know that the person you wanna get rid of is staying at the four-corner-room with you every school day. And the fact that you both are in the same circle of friends, it's hard to move on. It's hard to forget the words that you both said to each other and the feeling of being hurt. It's hard for our friends to see that we're not okay. But what else can we do, we don't like each other anymore. We just have to deal with it even if it's hard to deal with.
I stopped being a slore saying bad stuffs. I really don't wanna give a fuck even though I give, but for the sake of my other friends, I stopped. She said that she doesn't care about me anymore, so the end of the problem.
But now, until now, she still say something. I thought she doesn't care, but why is she still doing this? I'm not patient specially when I know that someone say bad things about me. I hate it when she's doing something without my awareness. That's just making me hate her more. Hatred seizes my heart more than our friendship.
But I just think of this: Almost two years of patience and after we graduate, we gonna live our lives alone. Maybe we'll forget each other. But I'm still thankful that I met her. There is still 2% of her in my heart. Even we curse each other to death, I still hope that we can surpass this trial. I'm just waiting for her to come to me and if she comes back, I'll accept her and never let her go.
